"Time is a great teacher -- unfortunately, it kills all its pupils."
~ Louis Hector Berlioz

"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
~ Robert Block

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
~ Maryon Pearson

"Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late."
~ John Alexander Thom

"He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it."
~ T. S. Eliot, on Henry James

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
~ Jeff Marder

"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
~ Steven Wright

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
~ George Carlin

"They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer."
~ Milton Berle

[on UK movie rating system]: "Its simple. PG means the hero gets the girl. 15 means that the villain gets the girl and 18 means everybody gets the girl."
~ Michael Douglas

"When the doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other."
~ W. C. Fields

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning, and doesn't stop until you get to the office."
~ Robert Frost

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
~ Robin Williams

"An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
~ Agatha Christie

"The tragedy of Canada is that it could have had British culture, French cuisine and American technology. Instead it got American culture, British cuisine and French technology."